Obviously...

Not that it isn't obvious....

I've decided to take a break from this blog for a while. I'll be blogging over at We Ride West exclusively for a while.

Amy

It's my birthday...

So, today is my birthday. 36 to be exact. I'm not really feeling it, if you know what I mean. I don't feel like I should be this much of an adult. I feel overwhelmed with everything going on in my life right now. I'm sitting alone in a house in Utah, UTAH for heavens sake, my boys are on a plane, I have no furniture, no TV, no refrigerator, and I'm kind of wondering how I got here.

The past two weeks have been nothing but a blur. A blur of activity, stress, anxiety, laughter, tears and disbelief.

I think I'm just anxious to get on with our life. We've been in this in between place for a couple months, well, since Easter, trying to get details ironed out. There's been movers to deal with, a house to find, a house to leave, friends to tell good-bye, dogs to situate and an entire life to rethink.

I'm excited about the possibilities ahead of us. I just want to get on with it already. I'm feeling slightly out of place in our new neighborhood. Everything is so perfect. Perfect little houses, perfect little flower beds, perfect little blond children running around in perfect little baby Gap outfits, perfectly coiffed, made up super thin and over-medicated women running around with perfectly lipsticked smiles on their faces. Can three hillbillies from West Virginia fit in here? Should we try? Or should we bring our own brand of redneck to Duloc (ahem, Shrek reference). The Ogres are moving in!

However, I should note that except for these fancy schmancy neighborhoods I really like Utah. People have horses in their backyards. Not like they have an acre of land and a horse. Like they live in a neighborhood but instead of a swing set there is a horse back there, or a goat or chickens. LOVE it. Also, the WalMart has this "bulk" buying section for people who live up in the mountains in the winter or I guess for those cults that live in their compounds or whatever. I'm going to slip a picture of it next time. I've never seen anything like it. Never. Not Sam's Club or anything. You can buy a five gallon bucket of beef buillon powder. I know what everyone is getting for Christmas!!! You can never have enough beef buillon!

I think I'll go see if I can find something decent to wear to pick the boys up from the airport. I'm running out of clothes and hope the movers come tomorrow with my stuff! I do NOT want to go to the laundry mat. YUCK!

We're here...

So, we're in Utah. Still waiting for furniture and a coffee pot. I'm blogging more over HERE these days just to keep everyone updated!

Hope everyone has a happy and fun-filled Fourth of July. It's one of my favorite holidays. Probably because my birthday is the 5th. Though, turning 36 this year isn't real high on my list of fun things to do. Oh well, better to turn 36 then to NOT turn 36, right? Right.

Bittersweet...

Today is a little bittersweet for me. N is going off to Grandmas for two weeks. He's excited and I'm excited for him. However, this is the last day he'll be running around this big ole yard. I'm watching him on the swings. He's singing. And swinging. Two of his favorite things. He's happy and carefree.

I'm consumed with the changes ahead of us. Excited, scared and nervous all rolled into a big ball of energy. He's just...happy. Happy he's going on an adventure. Happy he's moving to a bigger home.

We didn't do big good-byes with friends around here. Or say things like, "this is your last time to do X or Y." I didn't want him to worry and fret about the future. I'm doing enough of that for everyone.

As I watch him I think of all the dreams we dreamed here. The trials we went through and the life we tried so hard to build. We worked and worked to build a life, to make a home, to find contentment. I look at it now and think maybe it wasn't meant to be so much work. Maybe home and life just, happens.

Now we embark on a new life. Full of possibilities that we never dreamed we'd have. We know that we'll have to change. It's a whole new game from this point. I want to retain the best of who we are but yet to embrace what is coming.

I pray that we at least go away from here with happy memories and the knowledge that we have done what we thought was best. Most of all, I hope to leave the regrets behind.

I'm still around here somewhere...

I'm still around this place somewhere. I am bogged down in making our moving preparations, finding, you know, a place to live and generally just busy. My "TO DO" list is unyielding and very demanding of me right now. I'm so longing for lazy summer days. I want to sit by the pool, catch fireflies and make s'mores over the campfire.

It's not in the cards right now. We've managed to pretty much tie up the next month of our summer with moving and settling. I'm hopeful though, that once things are done we'll still have some time to salvage a few lazy days.

My boy is spending TWO WEEKS at his Grandparent's house. I really just think I might have a heart attack. That's a long time. He's so excited and they have made a million plans of things they are doing. I hope my Mom's taking her vitamins. She's going to need them! So, at least he's going to have a big fun adventurous time this summer. Hopefully, to him, moving will be seamless. He's going to my Mom's then we are flying back on a plane and picking him up and flying back to Utah. He won't be here for the movers or the 3-day car trip west. Somehow, I think that is best for my sanity. The three of us and two dogs driving 3 days in the truck to Utah just sounds pretty much like a nightmare. It's 30 hours. Oh, and we'll be hauling the camper behind us through the Rocky Mountains.

I am nervous about all we have to do and the time-line for getting it done. But, I have faith. I have faith that it will all come together and a month from now I'll be writing to you from Utah. And as my son would say, "SWEEeeeeeT MAMMA!!!"

Husbands, cameras and accomplishing NOTHING.

Just wanted to let you know, I'll be blogging our move and our new adventure in Utah

HERE!

I sent my husband to Utah with a camera. He took 8 pictures. All of them from the car. *sigh* I KNOW he was all about getting the job and salary negotiations yadda yadda. Still, he could have taken a minute to take a few pictures. Anyway, it's short on scenery at the moment but I'm sure there will be plenty in the future.

I'm not writing about our move right now simply because moving across country is more complicated than I thought. We're starting to turn on each other. Js work is giving him a hard time. The more I try to accomplish the less I'm getting done.

But, visit the new place if you get a chance. I promise it will get more exciting in the days to come.

We Ride West.

9 years

Today is my anniversary. Nine years. There have been highs and lows, tears and triumphs but I wouldn't change a single thing. I love that man and I love the places our life has taken us. We are stronger from the struggles and smarter from the mistakes. I have more happy memories than I can fit into any scrapbook.

Oh, baby, I love you.

Into the fray!

We picked up J at the airport on Saturday evening. Saturday night I made a special dinner, we had cupcakes and just a general air of excitement swirled around our night. Sunday morning we woke up to chaos. All the DETAILS of moving your family across the country in THREE WEEKS kind of fell in on us.

It's crazy crazy crazy around here. This is the part I hate. I'm good with just jumping in and doing something but I hate getting the details up and running. Where will we live? When are we going? How will we get there?

We have movers coming to pack and move us. However, there are things we just don't think are worth moving so we need to get rid of them. We have to find out who will take what and their hours etc. We have to contact the movers and see when they can pack us up and move us. We have to find a house to rent, wait for the application to be approved, and set all that up.

There are family members that want to see us before we leave. And we want to see them. N has some vacation plans with his Grandparents and we want him to be able to still go for that so we are trying to work it into our very tight schedule. It's an adventure.

When it is all over and I can sit back and relax for 5 minutes I'll be a lot happier. Right now the excitement is buried in the details.

The many many details.

Hitch up the wagon train boys and girls...We ride west!

Our time here in Indiana is coming to an end. We'll be moving across the country and into a brand new life. It's a pretty long story but I'll try to be brief.

J's job here in Indiana started to tank a couple months ago. They ran out of work and out of money and basically it's all been falling apart. We came to find out that they lied to us when we moved here about the amount of backlog work they had. They've been forcing the employees to work "off the books" so that they can make some money on their projects. It's been a mess.

So, J started looking for a new job. We weren't having much luck for a while. He's a bridge engineer and with the economy in the tank, states were cutting back. In the last month, however, things really took off. He's had 3 possibly 4 offers on the table. Two of them are fabulous opportunities. The other two are still good but not the direction he wants to take his career. One of these opportunities stands head and shoulders above the rest. It's the kind of job we've been working toward for 10 years. Every move and every new job has been to advance his career in this direction.

It just happens to be in Utah. That's 30 hours from my family. Or a few hours by airplane.

Believe me when I tell you that we have thought, discussed and run the scenarios hundreds of time. We've decided to take the plunge and take the job in Salt Lake City. Things are about to start moving very fast.

Our landlord told me that she was glad we gave notice because the day she got our letter, she was working on a letter of her own letting us know that she was selling the house and we had to be out by June 30. She was upset about having to do it but her husband's GM plant is closing, and they may have days or months but they want to be "lean" when the closure happens. So they are selling off their rentals. I guess I didn't take as much of a gamble as I thought. I agonized over that for days and we were going to have to be out anyway. Isn't it amazing how things work out.

I am very at peace with our decision to take this opportunity. I know that Utah is far from home and a completely different culture. I'm comfortable enough with our own convictions and our independence as a family to not be afraid of the adventure. We are really excited about exploring the beauty of our new home. The mountains, the desert, weekend trips to Yellowstone or camping and fishing at one of the many many amazing parks in Utah. The first thing I want to do is see the Grand Canyon. A mere 6 hours or so away. I've wanted to see it my whole life. Granted it will be the north rim, not the popular view but I'll see it. Nicholas is going to stay in the car! My heart won't be able to take him peering over the edge of the canyon. He can see it when he's in his 30s.

Another thing I'm excited about is the long-term nature of this job. The project is something like 5 years. 5 years of stability! How wonderful is that?! I've learned to appreciate the small things.

Everything is going to be happening so fast at this point. We have 3 weeks to be out of our house. The new company is taking care of all the moving but we have to get all that set up and ready to go. I'm a BIT nervous considering we don't have anywhere to live in Utah, yet! The company will get us movers (YES!!!) and put us up in temporary housing if we need it etc. So, I feel good that it will work out.

I am also starting a 2nd blog. My family doesn't know about this one (except my husband), it's more my sounding board for how I feel. My other blog is going to be so that people who care can keep up with us, I'll detail the cross country move, our homeschool adventures and progress, and our day to day lives. I intend for it to be heavy on pictures and details. I'll still be posting here but this is more for me. I'll get it up and running just as soon as I get a few pictures to start off with.

I am happy, excited, scared and sad all at the same time. I have loved our time in Indiana. Our lives will really be changing. My son's life is going to change in ways he doesn't understand. However, just because it is different, doesn't make it bad. It's exciting and scary. It's life. And it's good.

Break it down...

I'm taking a little break while we finalize some plans and figure out what the heck is going on around here.

See y'all in a week!

The Gambler

So, we had to take a chance on something yesterday. I had to gamble with the roof over our head. See, we had until June 1 to decide to continue in our lease or to NOT continue with the lease. Our landlords raised the rent and we had 60 days to decide if we wanted to stay or to continue in our original lease with the new rent.

Jamie doesn't fly out until this coming Wednesday to finalize things with his new company. We have no idea of the time line of our move. He'll be meeting with a relocation specialist and looking for housing. They'll be discussing moving expenses etc.

We made the decision to go ahead and decline to continue the lease with the rental increase. This allows us to get out of our lease free and clear. The problem is that there are still so many things that could go wrong. Nothing is written in stone with the new job or the relocation. And now we have until July 15th to get our behinds out of this house. It was a gamble. We may be scrambling for a place to live and loading our stuff into storage.

It makes for an interesting dilemma. It makes my stomach hurt. I'm so NOT a gambler.

Home sweet home...

I've moved. A lot. I've learned over the years and the moves that it's important that each place you live, no matter how temporary, feel like home. And that is especially true if you are in a rental.

In order to make a rental feel like home I've learned a few tricks over the years. The first of which, don't be afraid to hang things. Cover those walls with precious pictures, memories, quilts, plates or whatever floats your boat. If you walls are rental white, it will give you color. If not, there is probably paint somewhere you can use to touch up when you move. Spackle is cheap.

If you are allowed to paint...do it. I've painted the living room in every home we've been allowed to paint, yellow. Not bright neon yellow and not pastel yellow. I've used a color called Centennial Yellow from Lowe's until they changed everything. So this last time I had to go out and find something similar.

Don't leave boxes hanging around. If you can't use everything you have, find some storage but don't leave stacks of boxes where you can see them. You'll just feel unfinished and temporary and that stinks.

Unpack enough of what you need. Just because you are in an apartment for 6 months doesn't mean you should live on an air mattress or a mattress on the floor. Go ahead and put the furniture together, put on the pretty sheets, hang curtains, buy a new shower curtain...whatever. Don't live like you are in college just because you aren't going to be there for 20 years. An extra day or two of work will make a world of difference in your temporary home.

Wall stickers and clings can be your best friend. Go ahead and give the kids their princess room or their Transformers room. Clings are inexpensive and can be moved around as much as you want. They leave no trace and can really make a kid feel comfortable.

If you are in a rental long-term, make it yours. All you can do is ask. Ask if you can paint. Hate the bathroom fixtures? Change them out. Hate the brass chandelier, get a new one. Lighting and fixtures are so simple to change. You can keep the old in a box and replace them when you move or offer to leave them. Don't be afraid to leave a place better than when you got there. When we thought we were going to be here for several years, we looked into new kitchen flooring. Yes, we would have taken a total loss on the project. I'll tell you a secret, we made a bunch of upgrades to the home we owned for 3 1/2 years. We still took a total loss on the projects we did. If it is worth it to you, ask.

Settle in. The neighbors may be reluctant to talk to you if you are renting. You are probably just one in a long-line of temporary people living next to them. I'll guarantee that not all the renters have respected the home or the neighborhood. Just face the fact that you are going to have to try harder than you think you should to make friends. If they see you planting flowers, hanging baskets, and keeping the yard nice, they'll warm up a lot quicker.

Those are good places to start and are good reminders to myself. For now, I'm off to enjoy a little of the summer sunshine with my boy. I hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day. Ours was spectacular and filled with friends and family.

That will make any place feel like home.

Cryptic and annoying...

Isn't it funny when there are so many things going on, I have nothing to say about them? We're making some big plans around here, looking at some big changes. Weighing pros and cons. Debating. Worrying. Laughing. The moods range from excited to terrified.

And yet, I've nothing to say about any of it. So, I'll just leave it at this. We'll be leaving Indiana soon. There will be mountains involved. They won't be in West Virginia. There are two distinct and very different possibilities knocking at our door. Blessings both.

It's going to take several weeks to sort everything out and make a decision one way or the other.

As for now, I seem to have brought the plague home from my visit to West Virginia. I'm putting up the good fight but I gave in today. I have done nothing but drink hot tea all day. And now, I'm going to go wait for my husband to get home so I can nap.

Rested, Refreshed and Ready...

I enjoyed my week back home in WV. It was nice to let go of responsibility for a while and to just hang out with family doing nothing special. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to go home for a week.

I didn't get much done. I thought I'd spend a lot of time on the Internet and get some things researched and put together for the next school year. I thought I'd have spent my time planning out the summer. I guess I did to some extent but mostly I just goofed off.

I read 4 books, 5 magazines (cover to cover), took afternoon naps and ate out way too much. I went to Target about a hundred times and Wal-Mart every day or so. My son came home with a truckload of new things. And by truckload I mean...truckload.

And now it is back to life as usual. I feel better. I'm happy to be home. I am thrilled to be reunited with my hubby. I missed him. A LOT. I was able to come home with a better attitude and renewed energy. And now, we are facing some exciting changes in our life. We're scared and excited. But there is hope for a better future and the promise of a big adventure.

I'm not menu planning today. The hubs may be flying across the country this week so I'm keeping things loose. After a week of Chef Boyardee, Kraft Mac and Cheese and Hamburger Helper, he's more than ready for some home cooking. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes on the menu today.

Oh So Pretty...

There is something about warmer weather that makes me feel feminine. I find that when the sun is shining, the sky is blue and the birds are singing I love to put on something pink, paint my toenails, buy makeup and headbands. If I was younger I'd put a pretty bow in my hair and call it a day.

During the Fall and Winter months I'm just all about black and navy and dark browns. I love wool socks and bulky sweaters. This time of year I can't even stand to wear socks. I'm barefoot and happy (and sporting hot pick toenails).

If I had money to burn I'd be out getting highlights in my hair this week. I miss being tan. I liked it back when I could be ignorant of the consequences. There was nothing better than a day in the sun, the smell of cocoa butter, smooth brown skin, a bubblegum pink t-shirt and strawberry lip gloss. *sigh*

As for now, I'm enjoying some sunny weather in WV. My Mom and I have been shopping and eating out. It's been nice to get away from the routine. I'm looking forward to going home and feeling renewed and relaxed. It's good to WANT to go home. Even when home is temporary and in Indiana.

It's not supposed to be this way.

I simply can not stand having my life lived in limbo. I am going crazy. Will we lose the job, won't we? Will we hear from this company or that company today? Should I plan a garden or is it a waste of time and resources?

I can't stand it. The only thing I can think to do is to just live like nothing is changing and life is going on as normal. I still find myself not making long-term plans or committing to things with friends. It is so aggravating.

I know that there are many people in worse situation. Fighting cancer, losing a child or watching a loved one suffer. I know exactly how lucky I am. I am so thankful for what I have. And yet, I can't seem to get past this worry. It is invading all my moments. I can't seem to let it go long enough to enjoy the moment I'm in. Moments that I should be enjoying. Moments that should be filled with joy and laughter. It's my anxiety over our situation and indecision that drives my whole life right now.

Things just were not supposed to be like this. We were going to have more kids, have a real home of our own, have holiday traditions and big family gatherings all the time. This is so far from what I thought we'd be doing. I have gracefully accepted all the changes and disappointments in the past. Some part of me this time is saying "Enough." I've had enough. It's not supposed to be like this.

I need something else to obsess over. That is certain. I'm doing the only thing I can think to do right now and that is to get away from the mess. N. and I are going to my Mom's for a week. I'll still obsess but at least the scenery will be different. And she'll take me out to eat.

Sometimes a girl needs her Mama.

The line between time and money...

Where do you draw the line between your time and your money. We have an acre of yard with about 32 trees. That is a real number, not a guess. My son and I counted them last summer. Some trees are little and some are big. The grass LOVES the shady and damp nature of our yard. We have a push mower. An $88 WalMart special. It's not self-propelled and it has about a 19" mowing deck.

It takes my husband an ENTIRE day to mow the yard and most often he breaks it down into three evenings. That is a lot of time every week to mow the yard.

We finally decided that is TOO much time to mow the yard. We can't even just enjoy our yard from all the mowing. Plus, his work schedule has been incredibly busy while he (desperately) tries to turn things around at work.

So, the weather has warmed up and our gas bill dropped by about $250. I was looking forward to putting that money towards other things for a few months. However, this weekend the husband and I decided we'd pay someone to cut the yard. It's relatively inexpensive per mow but does add up over the month. It will run about $140/month. And actually I think that come August and September when the rain subsides and things slow down he and I together can keep up with the yard.

I thought maybe we should just buy a riding mower. We would really love to do that and then would be able to cancel the service. The problem with buying the mower is it is a one-time large expense. With the lawn people, I get to spread that expense out over the summer. Also, should we end up having to pick up and move across the country, we won't have to make room in the truck for the riding mower.

And yes, I'm home all day and I could cut the yard. However, I have school to do, 3 meals a day to fix, the house and laundry to keep up with as well as various other projects. I kind of feel that the yard is "his" thing. He can't keep up with it right now. I'd rather J. have time on the weekend to mess around with N, take back up playing golf, go for drives, go camping or anything. Not spend the whole weekend cutting grass.

So in this instance I think his time, and our family time, is worth the expense. Especially an expense that I would call a "luxury."

Now I think we should talk about how I'm falling behind in the housework and maybe we could hire that out, too.

Oh, I kid, I kid.

Spring carries hope on the breeze

Happy May Day!

It's a typical Spring Day here in Indiana. It's raining and the temps are just right. I've got the windows open and have been marveling at how GREEN everything is all of the sudden. The big oak in the backyard finally came out and I can't wait to get out there and sit in his shade. I don't know why I think it is a "he." The tree just has that male vibe.

I've been super tired this week but at the same time, not sleeping. It's very frustrating. However, I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a long time. I just feel hopeful and content. Things with my husband's work seem to be going better this week and we are remaining hopeful that things will turn around. He's gotten some good feedback. Nothing else on the new job front though which is worrisome.

I feel a little like I've been focusing too far into the future. I know that we can't "live only for today" but it's OK sometime to just stop worrying and enjoy the moments around us. J and I used to be very good at just living for the moment. We would let the future take care of itself. I'll admit it was a nice way to live even if it was a bit irresponsible. Over the last year and a half though, things have gotten tougher. I've gotten obsessive about worrying over the future. To the point that I've neglected taking care of today.

I think we just need to merge those two philosophies to create a nice balance for ourselves. So that in our world it's OK to take off for a weekend without worrying ourselves to death about it. But not run out and buy a Mustang GT because we're having a bad week. Yes, we did that. It was grand but sadly the two BIG car payments were too expensive and we finally gave her up last June. We miss her. However, we were paying more in car payments than house payments! On one income!

All in all it's shaping up to be a good summer. If the job holds out and none of us gets the swine flu I think we'll be doing OK. Will the worry over the job and moving go away? Nope. I just hope that we both find a way to pack those worries and stresses away often enough to just laugh, have fun, find joy and enjoy being alive.

Isn't that just as important as anything else? Otherwise, what is the point.

Just do it already

I'm painting the playroom this weekend. The paint has been sitting here for 2 months mocking me. Right about the time I decided to paint it, things went wonky at J.s work and with the rent etc. You know what, though, I'm painting that play room anyway. It's some hideous 1980s peach color that drives me insane.

I think going ahead with the painting shows hope for the future. Right?

So, right about the time I get it painted, make the custom window treatments, get the toys organized and everything looking wonderful and perfect, J. will get a call and we'll have to move.

If nothing else it will be better than living in limbo!

Goofing off...

I decided to give myself the day off. I've done a little laundry. Towels that are sitting in the basket. I put my son on the computer for some school lessons this morning. I've spent the rest of my time painting my toenails, reading the paper, blog hopping etc.

Life is getting ready to get really busy with summer activities and life-changing decisions. My husband won't be home until late. My son was in the mood to keep to himself and play today. It's rainy and cool. Seems to be the perfect day for a day off. There is something wonderful about giving yourself permission to goof off. I've been able to read blogs and play on the Internet all day without guilt.

Do you give yourself permission to goof off every once in a while?

When you hang clothes on the line in Indiana...

It tends to be windy in Indiana. People who live here don't really think so but if you lived in the valley of a mountain, the constant wind takes some getting used to. When we first moved to Indiana my husband would go out the front door every day and tell me, "Man, it's windy today." Eventually we learned it's just windy. Period.

It does tend to make it nice when the summer sun is beating down on you and a cooling breeze rolls by.

It is VERY nice when you decide to hang the clothes on the line on a sunny Monday. The clothesline is actually faster than the dryer on days like this. Storms are expected this afternoon so I'll have to keep an eye on things. However, with this wind, I expect things will be dry in five minutes or so!

On a related topic, can the scent of Tide and Snuggle Cashmere Vanilla mixed with sunshine and a breeze on your favorite clothes make a person happy? I totally think so. I wish I could bottle that smell. I expect fabric softener makers have been trying for years. The best smelling clothes I ever had happened one year when we were at the beach. The house we rented had a clothesline under the deck and on the last day I washed everything, used a little Downy and hung in the sea breeze. The faint smell of suntan lotion, sea breeze and Downy is what I think Heaven will smell like.

Time to hang another load!

I've become a liar....

So lately I've become quite a good liar.

"Things are fine." (they aren't fine I just don't want to talk about it)

"J.'s job is going OK, he's holding out there for a while." (he's miserable and they are making his life hell)

"Oh, no, I don't think we'll be moving." (I'm already contemplating what to sell and where to find boxes)

"I think I'm going to plant flowers, HERE and a couple rose bushes THERE." (yeah, right, I'm going to be here to plant flowers)

"Honey, if it is your dream to move to the middle of nowhere and cut your pay in half I will support you 110%." (I will support you and will learn to live with it but couldn't we find something without a pay cut and least not a 50% pay cut)

"I'm happy renting indefinitely, it's the only way to go." (I hate being a renter but since I can't seem to settle down anywhere I live with it and pretend it is fine)

"You are right, my idea to sell everything and live in a travel trailer for a few months is crazy." (I really want to do this, it would save a lot of money and I don't think you are giving me enough credit. I'm not as spoiled as you think I am and at least it would be OURS and I could paint it lime green if I want.)

"We shouldn't take a vacation in May." (Oh man, do I really need and want to take a vacation)

"I can't stop my boy from getting bigger and growing up and I wouldn't want to." (I'd sure like to slow things down, though)

"I don't want anything for Mother's Day." (I want flowers. And breakfast in bed. And dinner out some place...not home cooking. If I want home cooking I'll cook at home.)

"I can't wait for my birthday." (Great another year older and my life is still in chaos.)

"Tell me all about your day." (for the love of Pete, I can't take it. It's miserable. Every day just makes me angry. Talking about your job makes my stomach hurt and then I go cry in the shower.)

"I'm doing the best I can." (I'm not. I'm selfish and angry and bitter. I'm slacking. I'm not being supportive and I'm impatient.)

"This thing at work is NOT your fault." (I don't know if it is your fault. Why are we in this position AGAIN? What are we doing wrong...maybe you aren't cut out for this and should just admit it. I'm a horrible person. This isn't your fault I'm just scared. I'm so sorry.)

"I know that in the end God will put us exactly where we need to be." (I'm not listening to God lately and I've certainly not been trusting Him)

"I like it here." (it's the 12th largest city in the nation, mid-westerners are very different from West Virginians, I'm a country girl at heart...what is to like? I just don't want to pack up and move again.)

"I like looking at pictures of pretty houses on the Internet. I LOVE this kitchen..." (I am coveting and making myself discontent)

"I think we could be happy here." (I think we could be happy here if we would settle down and try)

So, clearly I have a few things to work on. I need to step back, be more honest with myself. This list is not even complete. I've got some work to do on my heart, my home and the life we are building. If I'm scarce, don't worry about me. I'll just be taking care of these things and devoting more time to my family. I've got to step back and think. And I've probably got to sit my husband down and be honest about some of these things. About how I'm failing.

I love him desperately. I want him to be happy. I think we have problems that are bigger than we admit. We're blessed to love each other and be devoted. We are clearly searching for something we aren't finding in a new job, new house, new town. We need some time to pull ourselves together and be honest about jobs, homes, and where we want or need to be.

I know that if the three of us are together, no matter what the circumstances, we'll be Ok. That is a huge measure of comfort.

When chaos reigns...

Somebody slap me. I've been keeping up with the cooking and the cleaning and doing the basics around here but, I've not been doing anything extra amid all the chaos. I feel like I've been TRYING to be unhappy or discontent. The chaos has been reigning supreme and unchallenged in our house.

Things look OK but there are papers where there shouldn't be. The office/classroom is a mess. We've been slogging through the basics as far as school goes but haven't done anything fun or anything that required any effort from me in a long time. I can't get the door shut on my boy's closet. Of course, no 7-year-old boy should have twice as many clothes as his mother. Somehow that is just wrong on so many levels. The scary part is that his new summer wardrobe is currently residing in a rubbermaid tote...IN MY BEDROOM!

Even my handy dandy notebook is showing signs of neglect. It is a mismatched mix of unfinished ideas and half-baked lists. You know I have an unhealthy love of spiral notebooks. This one is just a disgrace. I'm ashamed.

So, anyway, I'm going to get things back on track around here. The first thing I'm tackling is my son's closet. To be fair the weather has been a factor. I've had to keep his winter stuff available. However, the forecast looks pretty good for the next week so maybe there is hope!

I'm putting the husband to work on the garage this weekend. It's a pit. I imagine he'll be thrilled.

I'll continue to plug away and work on things as I can. Mostly I just want to remember I've got a pretty great life and I should continue to live it.

Un-frugal Confessions

There is so much frugality going around on the web these days. I'm so thankful for the advice and so in awe of how committed people are to saving money. We try very hard to be frugal, to not be wasteful and to watch our carbon footprint where we can. We have a healthy respect for nature and her fragility. We also have a healthy respect for keeping as many dollars in our bank account as possible.

There are two things I must confess, though.

One, I'm not gardening this year. I'm not sure I'll be in this house through the summer to enjoy the fruits of my labors. Gardening can be expensive as well. So, the money that would have gone into my garden is going into the hands of the Farmers Market Vendors. I'll be supporting a local farmer. I'm OK with that.

And two, vacations. For us, vacations are just another category in the budget. To me, they are as necessary as lights and water. My husband works incredibly hard and long hours. I homeschool my son. Although we do a pretty good job of spending time together, getting away from home and away from our responsibilities makes for a much happier family. It is good when Mom gets to play and has no responsibilities. No meals to cook, no worry over making beds and bed times. I just get time to play mini-golf, ride Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, scream for all I'm worth on Expedition Everest, shoot the water cannon at my boys on Kali River Rapids and cry at Wishes as the fireworks light Cinderellas Castle (I cry EVERY time...why?). Someone else feeds us, makes the beds and sheer exhuastion puts us to sleep at a decent hour.

It's so nice when Daddy locks his cell phone in the safe and gives Mommy the key. When I see him laughing like a kid. When J. and son spend hours digging a hole on the beach for no reason other than it was there to do it. Two heads together planning their hole in the sand. Rushing through dinner to get back down and see if the tide filled it in yet. About day two of a vacation the lines smooth out on J.s face, his smile comes a little easier and he can be seen floating on the lazy river for and doing nothing.

And everything is simply a wonderful adventure for N. He loves staying in hotels. He is as big a Disney fanatic as his Mom. He'll give you all the details of free dining and the run-down of each ride. He'll find the best spot on the beach and he can't wait for our trip to South Dakota. He wants to see the buffalo and the Big Presidents.

And while I'm sure we could get plenty of relaxing done just staying home, there would still be dishes to do and beds to make. No matter how hard I or J would try, there would be something needing done. We do a pretty good job of laughing and keeping each other sane. But there is just something about being away on vacation.

I have one more "Un-Frugal Confession." Our camper. We love her but camping for a weekend can run an easy $150. Not a frugal exercise at all.

Now I have that off my chest, I feel better. I better go shut off a few lights and turn back the thermostat. I just made myself want to go on vacation. Yard sale anyone?

Menu Plan Monday...

I find that when things are in chaos around here, a good plan can do wonders. Just trying to wing it every day adds another layer of stress and chaos to an already stressful situation. I'm focusing more on the domestic around here for a while. Back to menu planning for me!!! The weather is warming up toward the end of the week so we'll be getting back to simpler meals utilizing the grill. I love grilling a piece of chicken, throwing potatoes in the oven and chopping a salad. Simple. Healthy. Delicious. So easy it is like cheating.

Monday: My husband smoked a pork shoulder in the smoker over the weekend. I shredded it last night and we'll heat it up with BBQ sauce for supper. AuGratin potatoes, green salad, home made rolls. (I got a new bread machine finally...YIPPPEEEE!)

Tuesday: Tacos. From a box. Soccer night.

Wednesday: Grilled chicken, rice, veggie medly (I have bags of frozen mixed veggies in the freezer from all the soup I didn't make this winter).

Thursday: Grilled Pork chops, fried apples, green salad, garlic toast.

Friday: Brats on the grill with buns (hot dog for the boy), herb potato wedges, green salad.

Saturday: Soft tacos. Homemade tortillas, ground beef and all the fixings.

Sunday: Frozen pizza.

I try pretty hard to only fix what we'll eat so you will rarely see a leftover night around here. If there is an extra piece of meat it usually goes to my husband for lunch. If I'm really stretching the dollars with casseroles we'll usually use those leftovers for lunch as well.

For more menus, go see Organizing Junkie. You'll be there all day and then you'll completely change your mind about what you were planning. Lots of links and recipes.

My Boy

My boy is a wonderful mix of sweetness and mud. He's 7. His birthday is in October. He's is growing up so fast but yet he hasn't lost all the sweet that comes from being little. He still thinks I'm a princess Mommy. He believes his father rescued me by fighting a dragon with a sword. And then we kissed and got married. I love that.

He will spend 45 minutes weeding the front yard of dandelions and bring them to me by the handful because once, when he was little, I told him dandelions were my favorite flower so that he would quick picking my geraniums.

His Grandparent's spoil him mercilessly. Still at 7 he is so grateful for everything he gets. Look! New socks!!! Look, a Wii!!! I know that he doesn't realize how fortunate he is but at the same time, I like that he doesn't realize that there is any difference in a new Lego set and a Wii. Someday he will catch on that he has more than most and that there is a difference in a Hot Wheel Car and a Trampoline for Christmas. And when that does he will understand that he is blessed and he will be grateful.

I know he has a friend or two that come over just to play with his "stuff." They aren't really interested in my boy. He doesn't mind. I tell him he doesn't have to have them over or to let them always play everything they want. And he tells me it is OK because maybe they don't have toys like his and he likes to share. So, I hold out hope that he won't become completely spoiled.

He still holds my hand sometimes when we are walking.

He likes to snuggle on the couch.

He still gives me giant hugs that nearly make my head pop off because, wow, he is getting stronger!

I want to see that imaginary world in his head. I see WalMart and he is fighting a battle with the decepticons.

He loves animals. All animals. He has a dog named Boots and they are inseperable. She is his best friend. They go exploring in the backyard, she sleeps in his room, he uses her like a bean bag chair to watch TV. She likes it. He will spend hours building a blanket fort around her and she won't once get up and tear it down.

He can't stand to hear me sing "Twinkle Little Star" because I always used to sing it to put him to sleep when he was little. If I sing it to him now he starts to yawn. Then he runs away or plugs his ears. He can't fight the power.

He hides behind the couch every single day with a gun or a sword and attacks his Daddy when he walks through the door.

He laughs at my jokes. And even more importantly, he laughs at his Daddy's jokes. They are never funny.

It's Sunday morning. I got up to get things going and he crawled into bed with Daddy. Two brown heads barely peaking above the covers. In a while I'll hear the grunts and laughter that comes from Sunday Morning Wrestling. J. will limp out after a few minutes and declare N. is getting too big to jump on him and his back will never be the same. They will do it again next week.

He's still at an age where he'd rather be with us than with anyone. I am so thankful for that. I'm not ready to start letting go. I'm gearing up for us to have a fabulous summer of family time. More on that later but lots of camping, picnicking, hiking, and playing are in our future. We are going to be a lot more selfish with our family time this year. We have so little time left with our boy as a young'in.

I know that I will appreciate all the stages and ages of his life but this year I want to hold on to what is left of that little boy.

This time in our life is uncertain. We are not afraid. We can't stop living and loving on each other. We have faith that things will work out and we have a back up plan if they do not. We are focusing on our family and are going to enjoy our time together.

I say bring on the sunshine.

Country Roads, Take Me Home...

Aeriel photo of Cass Railroad

John Denver had it right.

Almost heaven, west virginia
Blue ridge mountains
Shenandoah river -
Life is old there
Older than the trees
Younger than the mountains
Growin like a breeze

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

All my memories gathered round her
Miners lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine
Teardrops in my eye

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

I hear her voice
In the mornin hour she calls me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
And drivin down the road I get a feelin
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
Take me home, now country roads
Take me home, now country roads

I'd say 50/50

It's going to be a beautiful and warm day here in Indy. I'm going to hang some sheets on the line, weed the flower beds and watch my son do tricks on the trampoline.

I'd say we have about a 50/50 chance of ending up moving. J.'s job definitely is going bust. He was able to buy a little time and is hoping to find something before the sand runs out. I can't sit around here and worry about it for days and weeks. We have to go on living our life.

So that is what I'm going to do. I am grasping a bit of reality as well. No matter how bad this situation is we will be OK. We have each other, we're healthy and we are together. We aren't going to end up on the street or starve to death. We have enough family that would eagerly take us in.

I'm not eager to move yet again, but also I can admit that I would embrace the adventure. We might as well have our adventures while we are young enough to enjoy them. And to recover from them.

In the end, we'll end up right where God wants us to be. There is comfort in that.

Sick of myself...

Yuck. I'm just sick of myself. I'm sick of my worrying and making myself physically ill from the stress. I'm tired of my own whining and carrying on. I'm not being a very good wife or mother or teacher. At this rate we'll be doing school all summer.

I can't seem to concentrate on anything for more than five minutes.

I normally love to cook. Love it. The whole process from planning to clean up. Lately I'm lucky to slap a halfhearted attempt on the table and call it supper.

I love makeup. Lately a little foundation and mascara is all I can handle. Those big black circles under my eyes, they need some cover up.

Let's just not discuss my hair. I might dissolve into a mass of tears and start ripping it out by the roots.

I want to sleep. I'm so sick of the miserable. I want my happy back.

So, I'm going to just fake it until I make it. I'm getting off this chair, fixing my hair, putting on some makeup. I'm cooking some supper for my son and I tonight and we are going to sit at the table.

Small steps.

Until I back to myself. Until this situation rights itself. Until I can embrace all the uncertainty and change. Until I can pretend we're on a grand adventure.

I got to tell ya...I'm pretty sick of me right now.

Bed of Nails

I think J. would rather be back on that bed of nails rather than headed to company headquarters for this meeting where he may come home unemployed.

Me and J. on the beach. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! When the going gets tough...the tough laugh maniacally.

Things are chaotic. No surprise, though. Isn't life always a bit chaotic? I'm OK with it normally. It's just that right now I find myself faced with the possibility of not only another BIG move but also the possibility of a complete lifestyle change. Honestly, I don't know what to think about that. On one hand I'm holding onto this life with white knuckles. On the other hand, I'm willing to embrace the adventure if it means a steady job and a secure income.

We just can't keep making these changes. We need to settle into a real life. Not one that is always spent waiting for the next opportunity. We're eager to establish our own traditions and to build upon our life.

I know that we'll be OK no matter what happens. We have so many people that love us. The three of us are incredibly close and I know that as long as we are together, we'll be OK.

Still, I was hoping that we were well on our way to being settled. I'm getting too old for this.

It's just life...

We are back from a rather nice weekend in WV. We spent the day shopping on Friday, then out for my brother's birthday. Saturday we went to Morgantown for the Family Easter dinner. Things were a bit hectic because my cousin decided to have her baby at 4:00 Saturday morning! We were half-way to Morgantown before we found out. So we pressed on and ended up cooking the dinner once we got there. There was plenty of laughter and confusion. A big Easter Egg Hunt where my son came out with enough change and dollars to go on vacation. Dinner happened and we went to see the VERY new baby. He was pretty cute for a newborn!

We wrapped up our weekend by spending Sunday just hanging out at my parents house having an early dinner. We brought home an entire truckload of crap. Candy, toys, a patio umbrella and a new wardrobe for a 7-year-old. He can pretty much not wear the same thing for three weeks straight. I may have been treated to a thing or two and J. may have scored at JC Penny. My Mom tends to go a bit overboard when we come in for a visit. And hey, I am NOT complaining.

Back here in Indiana it's cold and rainy today. It fits my mood. There is always a big letdown after a busy visit. It was good to get home late last night though. I was happy to see my own bed and use my own shampoo. I've spent most of today trying to figure out where to put all the new toys, clothes and candy. Not to mention the laundry. Oh the laundry!

BAD THINGS happened at my husband's job Friday while he was off. He didn't come home yet today so I'm going on the assumption he's still got a job at the moment! He has a phone interview tonight so we'll be eating late. I'm going to fix homemade pizza and pop in a movie. I think we'll spend the evening vegging on the couch.

We packed a whole lot of living into three days. It was good and it was bad and through it all we held hands, laughed and spent time being loved on by family. It's amazing how good that can feel. Then again, too much togetherness can be stifling. It's about balance.

All in all Easter was lovely.

Old kitchens...

I know that these days people look for granite, stainless steel appliances and tile floors. These new, modern kitchens are lovely. I'm sure I covet them as much as the next person. However, I find something beautiful about an old kitchen. A kitchen from the 50s and 60s or even the dreaded 70s, has a charm all its own.

Those kitchens were the workhorses of America. They turned out jello salad and meatloaf on a regular basis. They fed families and neighbor kids. When I stand in the middle of my old, outdated kitchen I often wonder about the women who did the same before me. Were they making a midnight snack while they worried about their children out past curfew? How many holiday Turkeys sat on the counter waiting to be carved? Did the woman who moved into this house when it was brand new just LOVE! LOVE! her new white and gold counter tops and dark wood cabinets?

My kitchen is small but the layout is perfect. I had intended to take a picture but the batteries on my camera died. Maybe another day. I have no fancy kitchen island. No pendant lighting. No prep sink. The bones in my kitchen are good though.

It seems that now everyone wants a new shiny professional grade kitchen. And they go in there and whip up exotic sounding dishes or heat up mac and cheese. I think that if you look beyond HGTV you'll see a whole lot of Moms still toiling away in their old outdated kitchens turning out meatloaf and holiday turkeys. We are doing it without a six-burner stove, a pot-filler, a prep-sink and a convection oven. We are still worrying over the kids out too late, stretching the family budget and baking cookies. How often do we let the discontent in? How often do we wish for those fancy kitchens in those fancy houses that sit empty while the family grabs takeout?

You know what? It isn't what the kitchen is made of, it's what is made in the kitchen. Memories of toiling hands peeling potatoes and hot meals even in the toughest of times. Give me an old outdated kitchen filled with love, laughter and family. Give me simple honest and old fashioned meals turned out in love. If I am blessed with one of those fancy kitchens some day I gaurantee it will still be turning out meatloaf, jello salad and holiday turkeys.

For now, there is comfort in my old kitchen.

Do you think...

(my bedroom)

Do you think dreams can be fluid things? I know the dreams I had when I was 18 are vastly different than the dreams I have for today. I wouldn't say I gave up on my dreams but just that as I've gotten older they've changed. Maybe become more realistic.

I am glad my dreams have changed. I'm thankful the dreams of an impetuous young woman didn't come true. I wouldn't give up what I've found with my husband and son for any amount of success.

On the other hand, there is something magical about the dreams of the young. They aren't hampered by reality. Everything seems possible. Those dreams are not tempered by disappointment and economic conditions. It's easy to be idealistic. Easy to believe if you work hard and are a good person you'll have success. Easy to believe your life will fall into place and you'll have exactly what you always wanted. When you get older circumstances can work against you. You lose the belief that ANYTHING is possible.

The wonderful thing about human beings though, is that we are adaptable. At least, I think so. I believe that I can turn my current life into my dream life. My current home into my dream home. Sometimes it is hard to realize just how good we have it. It is so easy in this old world to want more, to covet what others have. I'm stubborn and I've not wanted to give up the dreams of my youth.

The truth is though, I have an amazing life. A life of dreams. I have, actually, the very life I dreamed of as a little girl playing dolls and house. And although, I've always always dreamed of living in the country, of having a little piece of land of my own and raising a few animals and a giant garden. That kind of life comes with a price. The land can't be ignored. The animals need constant care. I know that it works for some people. It might have even worked for me.

The thing is, the job situation for my husband is nerve wracking. Will we be able to stay? Will he find something here in the area? Will we have to take a pay cut? Should we look at this as an opportunity to try to move home?

Somehow during all that wondering and worrying, I've realized that I simply want to hold on to and continue to build the life I have. This life RIGHT HERE in this place. I have a new dream. I have the dream of a new life and of the discovery of wonderful things about my new home state. I simply hope that we can settle in and continue with our life here. It's a good thing when you realize you have exactly what you want. I hope we are able to work things out here.

It's a dream come true.

Recovering from the weekend...

So, you know, the unplugging didn't really work. We had my in-laws here for 4 days and did some running around and visited the northern part of Indiana.

We did go to Amish Country over the weekend and I'll have to say it was kind of nice. There were lots of pretty things to drool over and a ton of really good food to eat. My husband and son spent a good hour in the Meat and Cheese shop with toothpicks and free samples. The highlight of the day!

I kind of feel like I've been run over by a truck today. The big ole stress truck. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with having my in-laws here for 4 days.

It has been snowing most of the day! Snowing! Can you believe that? It's so strange to look outside and see flowers, the beginnings of leaves and snow falling from the sky. I'm happy to be cozy and warm inside today. I'm contemplating baking something just to warm up.

And I'm doing a lot of praying.

Unplugged

I'm fighting a cold and getting ready for the in-laws to visit. Bad news keeps coming our way. My heart keeps racing, my stomach is in knots and my head hurts. So, I think I'm going to just "unplug" from the computer for a few days.

Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely weekend. I'll see you next week sometime.

Look ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Soooo, times are uncertain. The J-O-B situation is up in the air. We're cutting back on all our spending and putting away our cash.

Well, almost, except for the little Disney trip we just planned. Our *ahem* third trip. Hopefully things will work out, we won't have to move and we'll get to take that trip.

When the going gets tough, the tough eat free food in Disney World.

Privilages and Priorities...

As you can imagine, we've been feeling a pinch of stress around our home in the past week. We've wallowed, been angry and threatened to just chuck it all. There have been many heavy sighs and hands being tossed up in disgust. And in the end, nothing has yet been resolved.

Things are progressing. Situations being dealt with, interviews scheduled and decisions made. In the background is our regular life. A life that I have been letting slide so that I could wallow around in stress and strife.

We spent a rather nice weekend here in Indy. We ate out a few too many times and may have done a little retail therapy. On the up side I'm redoing our bedroom. On the down side, I spent to much money. We did go see Monsters vs. Aliens in IMAX 3D. Wow. I have to admit I could get spoiled seeing movies on the IMAX. My brother in WV was supremely jealous. The theater had a coffee shop on the top floor. I could definitely get used to having a mocha while I watch my movie on a 6-story movie screen. We ate 4 meals in sit down restaurants over the weekend. Bought books at the bookstore instead of the library. Not responisble spending habits, I'll be the first to admit but, rather fun and definitely a nice diversion. And still cheaper than going away somewhere for the weekend.

This life we have here is a nice one and I'd like to keep it. We all would. Since what I can do to make that happen is minimal, I am turning my attentions back to the things I love. The very things I've been letting slide with the excuse of being "stressed." I have a large "To Do" list for the week. My in-laws are coming Thursday. We're all leaving friday and heading to Amish country and staying the night there and shopping all day Saturday. I'm hoping that if they get to do something they want to do they will lay off of the criticisms for the weekend.

In the mean time, I'll do all I can to make it a nice visit. The spare bedroom/classroom/office needs a bit of work before they come. I want to get my bedroom done which means clearing out the closet clutter, moving the linens around, working on the laundry room and tackling about a foot of dust. I want to do some baking before they come as well.

I need to get back to fixing nice meals for my family. I've really let things slide becuase I just haven't been motivated. I am really sad about that. I'm going to raid the freezer later today and see what I can line up for the week. No more eating out.

I'm going to get things ready to get my garden in. Luckily I have a little time. I don't really need it ready until the end of April. I'm not planning on too many cool-weather veggies. I need to figure out what flowers I want to plant and where. There are many overgrown flower beds around here and I'm thinking of tackling them. At one time this place must have looked like a sweet brick cottage. I'm not sure what to do with the overgrown roses. I don't want to hurt them so I'll have to look that up. I'll probably plant some more as well. They seem to do really well in this soil. I'm considering window boxes in the front. I think they'd be lovely against the brick.

I am lucky to be able to stay home and care for my family. I consider taking care of them and our home a privilage and it is time I turn return them to the top of my priority list.

"You want to hear God laugh..."

I'm angry.

I'm really, despite what you read here, fairly level-headed and positive. I tend to run off in a panic, get a grip and move on with my life. What you find here sometimes is the "run off in a panic and whine" part. But, I'm whining here and not to my husband so that has to be a blessing in some way.

But today, today I'm angry. I'm angry with my husband's company. I'm angry to be in this position of once again watching him mad and frustrated at being forced to look for a job. And I'm angry because we sacrificed so much to come here for this opportunity. They had these grand plans of building a Transportation department. Letting my husband take the lead and then they cut him off at every turn. Wouldn't buy the software, wouldn't hire the people, wouldn't commit any resources and now have decided after barely a year, transportation isn't profitable enough and needs too many people to do the jobs.

So, I'm angry that we sacrificed. I'm angry that I'm living in a rental house, that while comfortable, is no where near what I gave up. I angry at the staggering amount of money we lost on our home. An amount that will keep us from owning a home for a LONG time. I'm, frankly, pissed off, at giving up my family and friends and everything I know for this. I feel deserted. My husband feels betrayed by his company. It all fell apart so quickly.

I'm angry at us for all the time we spent deliberating on this move and still making a mistake. At being stupid enough to think our house would sell and all would be right with the world.

We've both lived other places besides WV. My Dad is in the Federal government. I was born in WV, my brother in Atlanta. We lived in Georgia, Tennessee, and Kentucky. I mostly grew up in KY. My Dad took every opportunity and every transfer to get himself and us closer to home. As I finished college, he finally ended up in West Virginia bringing his career full circle. I went there as well. My husband grew up totally in WV but after college he lived very close to DC in Frederick, MD and also commuted from the Eastern Panhandle to DC for a time. We've lived as a family briefly in Mississippi and now, here.

I can tell you that if the opportunity were there, we'd be back in WV in 2 seconds. It is our home. We want to be back where people have known us our whole lives. We miss our friends and our family and everything that is familiar. We can't go back in time. We can't get our home back. There is no chance of sitting on the porch talking to all the neighbors that walk by. Would we take a pay cut to go back? Probably so. I could trim a lot out of our budget. The problem is that there just aren't jobs to bring us home.

I'm angry at everyone who keeps telling me to go home. Do they not think we'd love to do just that? I was telling a friend about what's happened the past few days. Also my landlord. She's all understanding and telling me not to worry about the lease or anything since she figures we'll go back to WV. Oh, how I'd love to. J. has looked. We've talked about pay cuts and taking steps back. Talked it to death as you can imagine. We can't make any more bad financial decisions, though. We just can't. It is going to come down to what we are willing to give up. I can't even pretend to guess at this point.

It's a bit of a race at the moment. Will they pull the transportation department before we find another job. We gave up many hopes and dreams to chase a NEW dream here and now they are all laying in the dust.

I'm very grateful my family is whole and healthy. I do not take that lightly or for granted. What our next step will be is completely up in the air.

How's that song go? "You want to hear God laugh? Tell him your plans..."

$45 Measuring cups...

So, tonight I'm headed for a Pampered Chef party. I have a strong dislike of these "fake" parties. I just don't get it. Why is it something only women do? Well, frankly could you see any Man invite a couple of his friends over for crescent roll taco ring and the chance to buy some really overpriced crap so he could get free stuff. Yahoo! Why do we women think it is OK to do this to our "friends."

I had a strict policy back in WV of never going to this kind of stuff. I hate the pressure! They always tell you not to feel like you have to buy anything, just come for the chance to hang out. You know they don't mean it. They have visions of a free pizza stone floating in their head. So, you are supposed to go and eat the ranch dip mix and drink the diet coke and not buy anything? I've always just kind of thought if you wanted to invite friends over, you'd just do it. Forcing them to buy $50 kitchen shears doesn't seem very friendly to me.

So why am I going? Good question. This is a relatively new friend who is also our landlord. She is very nice and our boys like to play together. I still don't know why I'm going. I'm not going to buy anything. Like she needs any MORE of our money. I guess I saw the chance to get out of the house, ALONE, and eat a half a piece of taco ring and a tiny glass of diet coke.

Unless I can come up with a really good excuse, I'll be going. I'll probably be coming out of there with a $45 measuring cup.

Slow Down

I've been feeling the passage of time lately. I feel the days and weeks flying past us. I know that I've spent most of March wishing my days away so that warm weather would return. But what have I lost by wishing those moments away?

I need the days and weeks to slow down. I want to savor this time in our lives. This moment and this adventure are worth taking a few deep breaths and enjoying.

I'm so used to having a crisis that sometimes I tend to create them when from nothing. I'll find something to ponder and fret over when I should be sitting back, catching my breath and enjoying what I have.

We do, really, have a few decisions to make. We've made our decision to stay in Indiana and we've decided to stay in this house. We're just too old to keep moving all the time. And except for the fact that it isn't West Virginia, we really love Indiana. We aren't so keen on the city but everything beyond Indianapolis is fabulous. There are farms, fish fries, harvest festivals, covered bridges, corn, prairies, forests, tress, and really amazing people. Oh and I should not forget my husband's personal favorite, the fried Pork Tenderloin. If you've never had a fried pork tenderloin from the heart of Indiana, you are really missing out.

My husband does have to look for a new job. It certainly isn't something he wants to do and they are not going to be happy when he leaves but the circumstances make it impossible. He's done nothing and they've done nothing wrong. There just isn't a commitment on their part to do what needs to be done to get the work done and J. just won't turn in inferior plans. And there is more to it but I've said all I really should.

But, in the mean time, I'm glad we've decided to stay put. Once we knew he'd be looking for a new job we were faced with wondering if we should just move to a new state or look for something here or go back to WV. So, you can imagine we talked it to death!

Staying gives us a chance to slow down for a while. To not spend tons of money moving and setting up again. I want to savor the days with my family and to enjoy the oncoming lazy days of summer. We're motivated to get back out in our camper. We can't wait to put the pool back up, plant a garden and some flowers, and do a little exploring.

I'm starting a big push with our homeschool, too. Originally, I was going to just continue to school over the summer but I've decided we might want to take the summer off. However, thinking I was schooling over the summer means I've taken things a little slower than we should have. So, we're starting a big push to finish up what we need. I figure I have 3 months to cram it all in. Actually, it shoudn't be that hard. We'll do some things over the summer just for fun but I think we'd enjoy slowing our days down and taking a break. There is always much to learn when we're camping. We keep a nature notebook in the camper for bugs, birds, rocks and any other things we spot.

We have been very blessed here in Indiana. We've made friends, found a cozy home, done well financially and have really drawn closer as a family. There are still trials of living away from the rest of the clan. There are things that are hard to get used to here in Indiana. It's FLAT. My goodness do I miss a good hill now and then. However, in some ways it allows us to really simplify and slow down our lives. We've really grown as a family, as a unit.

I'm hoping from this point our days will ease, we will catch our breath, we will fall into a routine that doesn't include constant crisis. There will always be worries and concerns. Such is the nature of life. There is stress over my husband's job situation. I have Faith that it will work out for the best, though. Despite all that, there will be time for snuggles on the couch, games in the yard, drives through the country and evenings around the campfire.

My blinker <<<<(showing my WV; people in IN call it a signal) is on and I'm moving into the slow lane for a while. If I'm in your way, just go around me!

He's not going to be a coal miner. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I know I'm always whining on about how we can "never go back to West Virginia." It all sounds so dramatic like we're wanted by the Poe-lease or in debt to a crime lord. The simple truth is, though, it IS highly unlikely we'll ever be able to go back to live. At least not while my husband is a structural engineer. And since he loves bridges and piers and concrete girders and all manner of other structural things, I don't see him deciding to be a coal miner any time soon.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

We both come from a long line of coal miners. My Dad is involved in the coal industry but from a regulatory side.

But, the point is, there have been many Engineering firms pull out or downsize their WV offices. I should know as my husband has worked for most of them at one time or another. And now things are only getting worse. The governor has gone to war with the engineering community over how selections for projects are done. J. keeps his finger on the pulse of what is going on there and it's bad. Really bad. More engineering firms will end up leaving the state and they'll either take a whole slew of young professionals with them or they'll leave behind a bunch of unemployed engineers, CAD techs, administrative assistants and empty office space. The state has already lost over 55 firms.

And what happens is now you only get a couple firms competing for the jobs. Without competition costs will rise and quality will slip. And you also get a whole lot of professionals forced out of the state. Maybe Joe is trying to squeeze tourists dollars out of us knowing we'll come back to WV to play? Who knows.

So, that leaves me here in Indiana whining about wanting to go home and knowing we can't. WV holds a place in my heart and my life. Our families are there and we thought our future would be there. What we found though was that it wasn't worth hanging on to. Sure, J probably could have found a job with the state in the WVDOT. We thought about it. HARD. But the pay cut was just too much. The cost of living in WV is a lot more than here. And in the end we realized, yeah, we can be bought. My parents and brother and his wife bring boxes and coolers when they visit us to raid our grocery stores.

We've sold out to the man.

Will we be in Indiana long-term? Well, that is under some debate at the moment. We're faced with a big decision. One we'd hoped to have more time to make. Some things we thought were settled seem not to be. I'm a tiny bit stressed, excited, scared and confused. We're sticking to our new motto. "Only go forward." We took too many steps back trying to stay in WV for those last few years. We ended up broke, sad and moving anyway.

We are at a point where we have to decide. We have to CHOSE to stay here. Have we made Indiana enough of our home to CHOSE to stay? Or should we strike out and try someplace new? At this point only time will tell.

Menu Plan Monday

As I'm sitting here I have no idea what we are having this week. I have been discombobulated and disorganized for weeks! So, I'm trying to get some order back into the mix.

Monday: Chicken on the grill, cheddar potatoes, creamed peas, rolls

Tuesday: Soccer Practice...Tacos

Wednesday: Baked Rigatoni, salad, french bread

Thursday: I'll be out so letting the guys pick up something fast food.

Friday: Home made pizza night

Saturday: Grilled pork loin, twice baked potatoes, salad, crescent rolls

Sunday: Pork BBQ from leftover loin, tater tots

We generally use our leftovers up for lunches. I try to only cook what we are going to need because no one here really likes leftovers for supper. So, I'll make only what we'll eat and if there is anything left, I pack my husband a lunch container and fix myself a lunch for the next day. Friday's pizza will become lunch while we're cleaning out the garage on Saturday.

That's all I have to say about that!

Check out lots more Menus over at Organizing Junkie!

Pieces of Home

Have you ever smelled something, seen something, tasted something or heard a sound that reminded you so much of home that you wanted to just soak it up? Some days something reminds me of HOME. Of my beautiful majestic mountains. My family's farm, my Grandparent's pool, the dill in the garden.

I was making Tuna Salad and popped in a bit of dill weed. I took a quick sniff. It nearly buckled my knees with a flood of memories. Memories of running wild on my grandparent's farm. The tire swing was right in front of a patch of dill my Grandma used when she canned pickles. That lead from one memory to another and another until I was nearly on the floor of the kitchen bawling.

While my head understands I can't go back. I can't go back in time or back home to the places I love, some days my heart really disagrees. Most of the time we tell ourselves it doesn't matter. We'll learn to love it, and we very well may do just that. But sometimes the sound of a bird or the longing for a winding road will invade. We will desperately long for something familiar. For roads we could drive blindfolded. For family and the ease of being with them. We long to not have to make new friends all the time. We long to have someone there we can count on no matter what.

There are days when I think I could give up a whole lot just to go home.

Sense of Accomplishment

I just filled up all six lines of my clothes line. It feels wonderful. Now, in a few hours when I have to pull them all down and fold them and put them away I'll be grumbling. But for now, a full clothesline blowing in the sunshine and breeze makes me happy.

My family is blessed to be able to fill the clothesline with clothes.

*YAWN* *STRETCH*

Life is once again stirring inside me. Stretching, yawning and waking from a long winter sleep. I've seen the sun and felt the warmth. I've spent months curled up in front of the fireplace with a throw blanket. The chilly mornings and cool days may not be over but there are sure signs of life returning.

I found flowers in the yard. Trees are budding. My husband is hacking and sneezing. We have lit the grill, swept the porch and planned a garden.

I know temperatures will go back down from this 70 degree wonderland. They go down just a little less far each time though. The warmth of the sun is strong. It makes me long for road trips with the windows down, camp fires and day trips to Chicago. I can't wait to have bare toes, flip flops, and color in my wardrobe. Out goes the dull browns, dreary grays, and dark heavy reds. In comes coral, pink, yellow, fresh green, and a crisp white button down over dark denim with a shot of color in a bight tank top. Gone will be boots and wool socks. In will be painted toes and little canvas slip-ons.

Spring is peeping up from beneath a brown earth. She's looking cautiously into the blue sky. I say "Welcome." Bring. It. On.

Daily Life

The weather is warming up around here! 64 yesterday!! We ran around in short sleeves and enjoyed the sun.

We spent our Sunday afternoon putting together a swing set. We had to leave ours behind when we left WV and my boy has really missed it. This one isn't as fancy or nice as the one we left behind but we've learned a lot since then. It doesn't have to be perfect, you know?

We have to finish up the swing set this evening. So now, in our back yard we have a trampoline, giant sand box, pool, swing set, fire pit, 4-wheeler, regulation horse shoe pit, and a 6 row clothesline. Oh, and my veggie garden and an unused herb bed I'll be revamping this spring. And you know what? With over an acre, it's not even crowded.

In case you were wondering. We aren't going any where. The job is a job. J. is getting bonuses while many are getting laid off. We'd really be foolish to walk away from that. And despite the problems, we love this house and the land. We have an incredible amount of freedom here. This house feels more like home to us than our fancy new home ever did.

So now, I'm going to go sit on my covered porch with my glass of sweet tea (I'm with you Tulip...what is the point of unsweet tea?). I'm going to watch my clothes blowing on the line and my son dig in the sandbox. It's a good life if you can swing it!

For the love of Pete stop being stupid.

I love you West Virginia. It is a deep and true love. I love everything about you. Your rugged mountains, down to earth people and love of gravy are all dear to my heart.

If you want people to stop making fun of you, stop being stupid. We want people to learn about all the wonderful things WV has to offer. Stop making headlines like these.

When you do stupid stuff like THIS.

You are going to get THIS.

Ban Barbie? Transformers have an unrealistic body type, too. Let's go for those next.

ETA: I know this story is from last week but I get my WV news a little late. Idiots like this lawmaker really hurt the image of WV. It's so sad.

ETAA: Also, I laughed at Jay Leno. I'm ashamed.

Now THIS is worth blogging.

So, I'm standing at the washing machine turning things right-side out (why do they throw them in the hamper inside out?). Anyway, I'm standing there and my jeans fall down around my ankles. I can not express to you the elation I felt at that. I'm just glad I wasn't walking around the mall.

Nah, I still would have been happy about it!

I've got one pair of jeans that fit me. Yay me!!!!

Can of worms...

If you feel so inclined go HERE and read all the responses. She posed a very simple question and got a lot of real and raw responses. For me, it was a cold dose of reality. You hear so much about the economy on the news. I kind of chalked it all up to a lot of fear mongering from the media. However, here are nearly 200 stories of real people facing real challenges.

I could easily have added our own story. We are doing well financially at the moment. But that doesn't mean we haven't been or won't be touched again. Nothing is really secure. Those 200 stories are a slice of American life right now.

We've had our own losses and have watched family members struggle.

On a side and completely unrelated note: My Mom told me she saw on the news that West Virginia is the unhappiest state in the nation. I know a lot of West Virginians and I can't really say they are any more unhappy than anyone else. Go figure.

Kick in the pants?

The landlord called me today. Nice lady. We get together and the kids play. They let us treat this as our own home and stay off our backs. We take great care of the house and treat it like home.

So, my reaction to what she told me surprises me. This is our 13th month and she says they are probably going to raise the rent. We have a two-year lease and there is a provision for this so she is well within her right. Their property taxes went up and she wants the rent to cover the difference. Totally understandable. I mean, why have a rental if you can't make money. Once they make the decision and get it to us in writing we'll have 60 days to figure things out. Perfectly reasonable.

The thing is, as soon as she said it, I thought, that's it. THAT is my breaking point. My husband and I while in the middle of a serious discussion about our future said that we'll know when it is right to make a break and try something new. We joked that God would let us know and that if the landlord sells the house or raises the rent, that will be God going, "Here's your sign." And I just felt so certain as soon as she said she'd probably be raising the rent. So certain that we should move on and instead of finding more of the same, change our future.

The economy is in the tank. It's not really a GOOD time to be chasing dreams. On the other hand, we've lost everything but each other (THANK YOU) and we don't have much to lose by chasing a dream or two.

From a financial stand point, paying any more for this house would be foolish. We are paying too much now just because the yard was worth it to us. But the house is in need of a good bit of repair and compared to other houses and rentals in the area, it's way over priced. I don't want to make our 10th move in 9 years. Really, I don't. I want to settle and put down some roots and just worry about something besides moving.

I don't know. Should we look for something else around the city? We hate the city. We joke about that scene in Madagascar where the animals say, "The star is out." We do that all the time. "Honey, Look! The star is out." HATE. THE. CITY. We're really in a suburb but it's all the same. We've talked about moving much further out but the commute is an issue.

I'm confused. Conflicted. Scared. Hopeful. Nervous. Anxious. Excited.

Me, only better.

I'm cool. My 7-year-old helped me but I like it. The name could have been a lot better.

Try it!