"You want to hear God laugh..."

I'm angry.

I'm really, despite what you read here, fairly level-headed and positive. I tend to run off in a panic, get a grip and move on with my life. What you find here sometimes is the "run off in a panic and whine" part. But, I'm whining here and not to my husband so that has to be a blessing in some way.

But today, today I'm angry. I'm angry with my husband's company. I'm angry to be in this position of once again watching him mad and frustrated at being forced to look for a job. And I'm angry because we sacrificed so much to come here for this opportunity. They had these grand plans of building a Transportation department. Letting my husband take the lead and then they cut him off at every turn. Wouldn't buy the software, wouldn't hire the people, wouldn't commit any resources and now have decided after barely a year, transportation isn't profitable enough and needs too many people to do the jobs.

So, I'm angry that we sacrificed. I'm angry that I'm living in a rental house, that while comfortable, is no where near what I gave up. I angry at the staggering amount of money we lost on our home. An amount that will keep us from owning a home for a LONG time. I'm, frankly, pissed off, at giving up my family and friends and everything I know for this. I feel deserted. My husband feels betrayed by his company. It all fell apart so quickly.

I'm angry at us for all the time we spent deliberating on this move and still making a mistake. At being stupid enough to think our house would sell and all would be right with the world.

We've both lived other places besides WV. My Dad is in the Federal government. I was born in WV, my brother in Atlanta. We lived in Georgia, Tennessee, and Kentucky. I mostly grew up in KY. My Dad took every opportunity and every transfer to get himself and us closer to home. As I finished college, he finally ended up in West Virginia bringing his career full circle. I went there as well. My husband grew up totally in WV but after college he lived very close to DC in Frederick, MD and also commuted from the Eastern Panhandle to DC for a time. We've lived as a family briefly in Mississippi and now, here.

I can tell you that if the opportunity were there, we'd be back in WV in 2 seconds. It is our home. We want to be back where people have known us our whole lives. We miss our friends and our family and everything that is familiar. We can't go back in time. We can't get our home back. There is no chance of sitting on the porch talking to all the neighbors that walk by. Would we take a pay cut to go back? Probably so. I could trim a lot out of our budget. The problem is that there just aren't jobs to bring us home.

I'm angry at everyone who keeps telling me to go home. Do they not think we'd love to do just that? I was telling a friend about what's happened the past few days. Also my landlord. She's all understanding and telling me not to worry about the lease or anything since she figures we'll go back to WV. Oh, how I'd love to. J. has looked. We've talked about pay cuts and taking steps back. Talked it to death as you can imagine. We can't make any more bad financial decisions, though. We just can't. It is going to come down to what we are willing to give up. I can't even pretend to guess at this point.

It's a bit of a race at the moment. Will they pull the transportation department before we find another job. We gave up many hopes and dreams to chase a NEW dream here and now they are all laying in the dust.

I'm very grateful my family is whole and healthy. I do not take that lightly or for granted. What our next step will be is completely up in the air.

How's that song go? "You want to hear God laugh? Tell him your plans..."