It's not supposed to be this way.

I simply can not stand having my life lived in limbo. I am going crazy. Will we lose the job, won't we? Will we hear from this company or that company today? Should I plan a garden or is it a waste of time and resources?

I can't stand it. The only thing I can think to do is to just live like nothing is changing and life is going on as normal. I still find myself not making long-term plans or committing to things with friends. It is so aggravating.

I know that there are many people in worse situation. Fighting cancer, losing a child or watching a loved one suffer. I know exactly how lucky I am. I am so thankful for what I have. And yet, I can't seem to get past this worry. It is invading all my moments. I can't seem to let it go long enough to enjoy the moment I'm in. Moments that I should be enjoying. Moments that should be filled with joy and laughter. It's my anxiety over our situation and indecision that drives my whole life right now.

Things just were not supposed to be like this. We were going to have more kids, have a real home of our own, have holiday traditions and big family gatherings all the time. This is so far from what I thought we'd be doing. I have gracefully accepted all the changes and disappointments in the past. Some part of me this time is saying "Enough." I've had enough. It's not supposed to be like this.

I need something else to obsess over. That is certain. I'm doing the only thing I can think to do right now and that is to get away from the mess. N. and I are going to my Mom's for a week. I'll still obsess but at least the scenery will be different. And she'll take me out to eat.

Sometimes a girl needs her Mama.