A little deep for today...

Do you ever wonder where you went?

Sometimes I'm so sick of worrying and wondering. Planning and plotting. I wonder where I went. What day, what event started to turn the tide and turn me into this discontented worrier. I think it was when my husband's company laid him off and we had to move into my parent's basement.

It was such a dose of cold water. I'd been able to go along until that time feeling somewhat invincible. Sure, money was tight and we'd had our share of financial problems. But, that was the first time I was really scared about our future. I'd always just assumed we'd come out OK. It was OK to dream big. I realized that I'm not actually in control of our life. Shocker there!!

Now every dream seems to come with an * at the end. I really want to live in the country on some land.* Won't it be great to have some chickens and a giant garden!

*I know that may not happen and it will take a long time for that to happen and right now that dream is impossible so I'm not really counting on it happening but it makes me happy to think about it so I'll use that dream to get me through the day.

But, now, today, I just really want to be carefree and happy again. I want to put the plans into place and just be able to go on. To know the big bad wolf is out there but to not be so scared of it.

I get so caught up in trying to make better tomorrows that I forget to make today better. I could be a better mother, a better wife. Instead of wishing I had the money to take a vacation, I could make a vacation here. Instead of wishing we could find a cabin and getaway, we could turn the lights off, light the fireplace, turn off the TV play a real boardgame on the coffee table and light the candles.

I think my family is way too interested in their technology for this though. Maybe I'll just have to work on them.

Not really the point. I just sometimes wonder where my husband and I went. Where that happy carefree couple that used to just take off for the weekend went. Where to two people that were happy to make the best of any situation went. We seem to have a new hobby of being miserable.

We can't seem to be happy anywhere. No house is good enough. No yard big enough. No sky blue enough. The mountains are too tall. The plains are too flat. The trees are too small. The trees are too tall. The place is too deserted. The traffic is too heavy. The stores are too far away. The stores are too close.

Where did these pessimists come from and how to I get rid of them?