A home

I'm feeling lost today. Not where I want to be, not sure where that is, exactly. I'm lost between what I want to be and what I am. Wondering why things are such a mess sometimes. Everything seems so much easier for other people.

I think we do this to ourselves, though. We can never be satisfied. We are always jumping around to something else. From the minute we moved in, we've been trying to move out. The problem is I'm not sure if this is the best place for us. I'm not sure it is the right side of town or even the right town for that matter. But, WHY? Why do we do this. I think we must jump into our decisions far too quickly. We get scared and we make a run for it.

I see the life I want for my family in my mind. It's always just a little bit out of reach. Actually, I see several versions our life. It's kind of funny. Sometimes we're in a nice subdivision on the better side of town. We have BBQs in the back yard, friends across the street and we always try to outdo our neighbors with Christmas lights. The yard isn't real big the the neighborhood has nice streets for bike riding, maybe a pool. There's a neighborhood picnic in the summer.

Sometimes I see us out in the country. A little log home with a HUGE garden. We are sitting on the front porch in a swing enjoying the breezes and listening to the crickets. Or snow is falling and we are all tucked up inside all nice and cozy. N. has 4-H projects, the dogs are laying in front of the fireplace, we all have mud boots lined up along the mudroom. We've planted a Christmas tree every year and really made a home place.

Never, though, in my imaginings, are we HERE. It's lonely and isolated here but without the privacy of the country. It's just a bunch of grumpy old people, abandoned houses and overgrown yards.

But, maybe it isn't the place. Maybe it is what it represents. We are living in someone else's house. We gave up the house we owned when we left West Virginia. We lost a lot of money and really hurt ourselves financially to make this move. We sacrificed a large part of our future to come here. We sacrificed our relationships with family and friends. Some days I feel so out of place. I don't belong here, but I don't belong back there either.

Mostly, I don't want to be a renter. I want a home of my own. I want to plant things I can watch grow for years and years. I want family traditions, holiday tables, friendships, a Church family, to wake up one morning and decide I want a lavender bedroom, . To have a safe haven for my family that is ours. This being a renter, being temporary, is the biggest block to being content I have in my life. We've moved so many times.

Give me a trailer, a vinyl village, a farm house, a shack. Just make it mine.

I'm at the end of my rope. I'm tired. I just want to be home.