I don't feel it.

I know in my head I'm on the downward slide to 40. I turn 36 this year. An age I associate with responsible adults. I'm Ok with that.

The thing is, I don't feel like a grown up most of the time. I feel like I still have a lot to do. I want to live in a condo at the beach. I want to homestead in the mountains. I want to move to downtown Chicago. I want a Volvo.

The other things is, I'll probably NEVER do ANY of those things. My life will be as a quiet suburban housewife in a quiet suburban neighborhood. I'm not unhappy with my life. I just thought at some point, my little family would do something "more." We'll take a yearly vacation to decompress. We'll camp a few weekends with friends. We'll go about our business anonymously. Occasionally I'll splurge on Starbucks (if they are still around).

My life feels gray. I thought there would be more color. I just thought I'd be more. There are people our age who are the CEOs of companies, owning sports teams and helping to lead the country. I don't begrudge them that. I just wonder, where did they find the time? Just getting through the day, making it to the grocery store, making our doctor and dentist appointment, soccer practice, and doing the dishes doesn't really leave a lot of time for conquering the world. My husband has 12 years of experience as an engineer. He's spent 12 years learning and designing. He gets up, goes to work, comes home, we eat dinner and the world goes round. I think he is a GREAT man. He astounds me with the things he knows. But, amoung his peers, he's just an average Joe. Is that fair?

It is life though. Our life in gray. There's a lot of joy in it for us. A lot of sadness. There's this struggle to come to terms and accept that this is what and who we are. We just haven't really accepted these things about ourselves. We just want to be "enough."

My Dad recently said he wants to go out of this world flat broke and full of happy. My husband and I recently decided we wanted to leave behind boxes of pictures and memories, not furniture and land no one wants when we're gone. I don't want to work us to death for a big empty house. We've seen so much loss among our friends and family. The couples our age we were closest to have both lost a spouse in a horrible fashion. How have we been spared? One thing we've learned over the last year, life is short and you can't take it with you.

I don't know where all this rambling has lead to. I just know I feel better.

Addiction

I'm fast becoming addicted to Facebook. What is up with that? I just LOVE getting those little snippets of information on my friends and family. I think it is fun to see my Sister-in-law is cooking dinner or my Mom is watching QVC. So, OK I don't have the most exciting group of friends but it is fun anyway.

It helps me to feel connected to everyone. The only disturbing this is all the talking about yourself in third person. "A. is outside." "J. is doing some work." When someone calls and asks what I'm doing, I've been known to say, "A. is reading..."

On Facebook, you can even search your soul for who you are and what defines you as a person. And in case you were wondering, "A. took the quiz, What 80s movie defines you?" My life up to this point is defined by "Princess Bride."

Inconceivable.

Menu Plan Monday

I know, menus are hit or miss around here. I seem to do a LOT better when I have a menu to go from so I usually have one jotted down in a notebook. It doesn't always make it on here. I'm a little frustrated by our actual spending numbers from February. Friday was the last payday so we went ahead and ran things. We spend nearly $150 LESS by not going to WalMart for our groceries....YAY! And I think we got a lot more, too. But, we also STILL spent nearly $400 eating out. How is that even possible?

So, I told my husband except for our payday eating out day, NO MORE. We have to get a handle on this one. It is eating our budget away. Huh, literally. I could have done a lot with that money!

So,

Monday: Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn and peas

Tuesday: Grilled chicken, noodles, mixed veggies, rolls

Wednesday: Stufed Shells, salad, breadsticks

Thursday: Leftovers

Friday: Pizza (frozen)

Saturday: Smoked pork BBQ, oven fries

Sunday: Roast, mashed potatoes, some sort of veggie, rolls, yorkshire pudding

Breakfasts: Oatmeal, turkey bacon, eggs in a basket, cereal, bagels, yogurt, bananas

Lunch: Leftovers, ham or turkey sandwiches, PB sandwiches, ramen noodles, cheese and crackers

Hope you have a yummy week planned! Check out more menus HERE!!

junk in the drawers

I think I'll start spring cleaning next week. I've been looking for something to get me out of this late winter stanky funk. Even though I run a pretty clean house, I'm more of the "if you can't see it, it's put away" kind of cleaner. We have drawers and closets that I am really ashamed of. We have no less than 4 junk drawers in the kitchen.

I don't open the closet in the "office" without putting a hand in there first to catch whatever is going to fall on my head. It's kind of embarrassing. There is a lack of closet space in this house. I have never figured out why the master bedroom has a teeny tiny closet and my son's room has two closets twice the size. He needs the storage but that leaves the hubby and I sharing a tiny closet. I wear the same three things because everything else is just wedged in there.

So, I'm thinking maybe I'll start tackling that kind of stuff. It would make me feel like I accomplished something. It's going to be too cold to get out in the yard and dig or gather fallen branches. Plus, I just feel like I've let things slide lately. Everything feels like it could use a good wipe down and to be freshened up.

I may even see if I can con the hubs into helping me paint the living room. We've been here a year now and we've talked about it 100 times. It's faux/sponge painted a dark red with gold undertones. Are you appalled by that sentence? Trust me, it's worse than you imagine.

There's a linen closet in our bathroom. One shelf holds all the towels and such. The other two shelves are full of "products." I'm thinking I could probably weed that out.

We have a "snack" cupboard in the kitchen. I caught myself last night tossing in a bag of pretzels without opening the door all the way, then slamming it shut. I think an avalanche of snacks could possibly be a sign that it needs a little work.

I had a friend over yesterday and she kept saying, "you're house is so clean." I kind of felt bad because yeah, it is clean where you can see it but behind the closed doors things are in chaos. I guess that is true of most things in life. If the worst of my chaos is currently in the closets and cupboards, I guess I am doing OK.

Winter Blahs

The winter blahs have settled in here. It's raining and cold. Snow is on the way. I thought I'd make myself feel better with a lovely memory from last summer. It's hard to believe the back yard will look like that again in a few short months.

Much better

Sorry for the big whine-fest yesterday. I'm feeling much better today. My husband and I spent a lot of time talking. I had a new friend call me and she made me feel a lot better, too. (Hi, Tina!)

There are so many good things about living here. There are wonderful things about being where we are. Not the least of which is that my husband and I have learned to depend on each other and to be self-sufficient. It was always so handy to have family around to help us out or to give us a break. Now, it's just us and I have to admit, that is harder than I imagined. It can also be wonderful. The bond between my husband and I has gotten a lot stronger. He has really stepped to the plate helping me out, being a real friend to me and to our son and at recognizing when I need to get out of the house. I think it has been good for him to take care of us.

I think I'm just suffering from the winter blues. My parents had been here all weekend and they left yesterday, my boy was sad with missing them before they even got out of the driveway. The thing I have to remember is that I'm only 5 hours from home and my husband will take us back any time I want to go. We can take our camper and a long weekend and camp back in WV any time we want to.

Things look much better and brighter today.

Not my best day

I'm not really having a good day. I want to go home. I want to go back to WV so much I can feel it like a lead weight on my chest.

I want to go back to the mountains. I want winding roads, blue skies, Nascar as a religious experience and where fishing is an acceptable form of family entertainment. I want to drive roads where I can look over the cliff and see the same road below me. Where warm breezes float over rugged terrain. Where state parks are free. Where camping means family and friends visit the camper for a hot dog and a marshmallow. Where leaving work on Friday afternoon to get your camper hooked up and your fishing gear together is totally acceptable. And everyone knows not to call you because you won't have any cell phone reception anyway.

I don't want to be here where we're anonymous. Where everyone is always running at full speed and is so concerned about working they barely take a breath. We're told we live on the wrong side of town to be successful. Why does our side of town matter to anyone? We drive a truck. Daily. It's a scandal! The creeks are meant to be looked at but you aren't aloud to wade out or swim in them. We've never been out of cell phone reception.

I miss neighbors who would look after our dogs, would round up a group of men to move a piano and would smile and wave when you drove by. I miss driving in the country and seeing an old gentleman look up from his garden to wave at us as we drive by, strangers on a country road.

And I can't really go on anymore. I have to go do something else or I'll be crying again.

Country roads take me home.

I've got nothing...

The beautiful sun is streaming through my big picture window in the living room. Well, it should be beautiful and uplifting. All I see are some REALLY dirty windows.

My parents are coming this weekend. The room they sleep in is looking a little shabby. It's covered in school books, crayons and glue.

My son thinks it is pretty the way the sun dances off the dust particles.

Guess I'll be cleaning today.

What makes me happy today.

The sun is peaking out from the clouds.

The windows are open and I hear birds singing.

My family is healthy and together.

Gain fabric softener.

The buzz of the dryer letting me know the towels are dry. I want to bury my face in the warmth and smell the freshness!

Blankets on the line outside today to freshen for company this weekend.

I'm making lasagna for supper.

I'm thankful for the little things that make me happy. I don't ever want to get so grumpy and bitter that I can't enjoy the simpler things. There is beauty in everything.

Getting a grip.

Camping after he found out he was sick.

I've been complaining rather bitterly lately. Actually, both my husband and I have. Things just aren't going the way we had hoped. Promises that brought us here have gone unfulfilled. We gave up SO much to come here. It's been wearing us down and making us angry. We came here in good faith, with promises in writing. We came here hoping for a new life.

But, all that really isn't the point. The point is to put it in some perspective for myself. My life is a really good one. My Aunt, who is only a year older than I, is about to lose her husband of 18 years. She got married a week after her high-school graduation. She's officially been married longer than she was NOT married.

Her husband has been fighting cancer for about a year and a half. They have a son who is 9.

The truth is, he is a man leaving behind a wife and son. His wife is physically disabled and has been the breadwinner for the past couple years. And now, she's about to be a widow. We're just waiting for the word to come down the line. He went in the hospital about a week ago. The cancer had spread to his brain and he is in and out of it. There are only a matter of days at this point.

His wife and I grew up almost like sisters. We've drifted apart over our adult years just because we have both had to live our own lives. We have always gotten together as families, though, to go camping during the summer and fall. We've taken vacations together. Our boys like to play together. We have had some pretty good times together. My heart breaks for them right now.

It's been easy to let his disease and how he has handled that disease, be all we remember of him. I've been trying to remind myself and my husband of the man we knew before he got sick. The one we went camping with. The one we picked on and who returned in good measure. Our friend.

They are a family, they had dreams of their own and that is all ending. She will have to learn to be a widow and raise a son on her own. She has NEVER been on her own. She's been disabled since she was 4. Maybe I wouldn't have lived the same life or handled situations the way they have over the years. But, this was their life and they loved it.

They were always savers. They saved all their money for a rainy day. I'd even put them in the "cheap" rather than frugal category (which is something we sometimes had a problem with). And now that is all gone. Gone for medical bills, medications and other things. They wanted to travel this past year. But, then he would be too sick for them to do much. They waited 18 years to have a life and then it was too late. They played by the rules and got burned. All that money they saved was gone in a matter of months and did them NO good.

I'm not saying we shouldn't save our money but at the same time, remember it is just money. Their life savings didn't last 2 months after his insurance dropped them. He's leaving behind a wife, a child and a mountain of debt. $4500 a month of pills put on credit cards. The pharmacy won't give them to you for free. Even with grants and assistance, those pills had to be paid for. The $4500 was their portion.

So, it gives me some perspective. I'm not happy with our situation. I'm nervous about the economy. Irritated at a "friend" that keeps blowing me off and leaving me waiting around the house. I'm missing my family, missing better days. I'm aggravated at myself for not seeing a good thing when we had it. Mostly I'm shocked that my husband gave me the option to try to go back to WV and we both decided we didn't want to go back. Maybe we don't want to stay here, but we don't want to go back there. Talk about shocking. But, that is a topic for another day.

My family is whole though. We're together. We're healthy and happy.

I will not take that for granted.

February

I hate February. We just don't get along. It's cold and gray. It's been cold and gray for months on end. There are still months of cold and gray to go. The crackle of the fire has lost its charm. The majestic winter landscape looks gray and dirty. The four walls of my house are closing in on me. The fun of the holidays are left behind us but the tighter financial belts are still around. The yard is frozen and/or muddy. All my clothes are too dark. In September black, brown and gray are so fun to transition to. In February, I crave a spot of lime green or tangerine!

I get in a funk come February. My husband really can't stand it. In the old days we would take off for a weekend away and blow money we didn't have but come home much better. Now days we are much more "responsible" people. Yuck.

The weatherman has good news for this weekend. 46 degrees!!! Yay, but it's going to rain. Oh and since we have 12 inches of snow that is going to melt, it's also going to flood. I'm left to wallow in the cold and the gray and now he mud.

I hate February. And as for you, Groundhog, I'm from WV, we shoot little critters like you. Think about that next time you want to forecast winter.

Sometimes you just want to go home.

Sometimes, when things are hectic or not going well around here, I just want to go home. I just want to go back to WV where we had family around and if I needed a break there was someone to watch N. or someone to go shopping with.

Sometimes I want to move home to WV. But, that ship has sailed. No matter what that idiotic campaign says, you CAN'T always go home to WV. Nearly every engineering firm has downsized or pulled out of the state. The ones that are still there are not hiring or are not stable enough to tie ourselves to. I suppose J. could work for the state and take a significant pay cut. The cost of living in WV is a good deal higher than where we are, though. Can't see that one working! Fix that Governor.

And then sometimes I just want to go home for a visit. Just to go out to dinner, to have N. play with someone else and to not make my bed for a couple days. It's fun to be a visitor. People clear their schedules and there's always someone to see or something to do.

When it comes down to it, I know we are better off here. Stable job, cheap groceries, lower housing costs, wonderful in-state Universities, something to do around every corner.

Still, sometimes I want to go home.

Menu Plan Monday

Menu planning challenges!! My husband and I sat down this weekend to look over the budget. We are bleeding money to Wal-Mart and Sam's club. I mean to the tune of a lot of $$$$! Plus another couple hundred eating out. To tell you the truth, I thought we really cut our eating out. I guess not as much as I had hoped.

I think I'm going to STOP going to Wal-Mart. They simply don't need that much of my money. I'm going to have to do the thing I've been dreading. Shop the sale ads and more than one store. I really thought that by getting it all knocked out at one stop, I was going to be saving money and time. I think, though, I just end up buying too many extras.

So, this month is a test for us. We are NOT going to Wal-Mart. We'll see if that cuts our spending.

I'm going to do more back to basics cooking. Luckily, this is the middle of a pay period so I've already purchased the groceries for this week, last week.

Monday: Chili and homemade bread

Tuesday: Thin Ribeyes, baked potatoes, creamed spinach, texas toast

Wednesday: Sour Cream chicken and noodles, peas or a salad

Thursday: Stuffed Shells, garlic toast, salad

Friday: Hot Dogs, WV style chili sauce, fries

Saturday: Grilled porkchops, fried apples, fried potatoes with onions and peppers, green beans

Breakfasts: oatmeal, pancakes, egg in a baskets

Lunches: bologna, leftovers, soup and grilled cheese or PB

The days we eat these things may change but I think this is a good place to start. I'm also excited because when making this menu, I realized I had several other meals in the wings already for the next week. That should help a lot.

See more menus, HERE!