I'm tired.

Weary.

I'm so tired of the ads, giant televisions, gps units, video games. I'm burned out. We have each one of these things and they bring a lot of fun into our lives. Even this laptop which I treasure as my connection to the outside world and an invaluable homeschool tool. I panic at the thought of being without it. And yet, it is a leech of my time so many days.

Everyone is so greedy. There is SO MUCH STUFF to want. And I'm as guilty as the next person. I want a bigger house, nicer kitchen, big family room. I love sparkly jewelry and shiny electronics. I secretly covet designer purses even while I claim I could "never spend that much on a purse."

It's just that right now, I'm sick of it all. My son is getting SO MUCH STUFF for Christmas. It's like a child's dream on steriods. I know it's because we moved away. I know people miss us and WANT to buy him things to make up for it. It's bordering on overkill, though. How can he even appreciate the thoughtfull gifts we'll give him when he's surrounded by so many wrapped packages. I'm not even sure where it will all go.

And it leaves me wondering. If he gets everything he ever mentions in passing, what is left for him to want? What is left for him to work for? Will he ever see that not everyone gets everything they ever wanted. No, I don't want him disappointed but at the same time, I'm longing for a simple family holiday. Thoughtfull gifts bought from hard work. The sad thing is that I know half the STUFF will be broken in a month. Toys just aren't made that well anymore.

But I would not deny him this Christmas. I could NEVER suggest to my Mom that she not buy for him. It would KILL her. He is her hobby. I would never in a million years take that joy away from her or suggest she save that money for something else. I just couldn't do it. Maybe it makes me weak. I don't know. I just couldn't do that to her. She would be so hurt.

So, I'm left trying to figure out how to balance all this stuff in our lives. I'm left trying to figure out how to teach my son that simple is OK. I'm trying to teach him this while we're watching our big TV, driving around with our GPS and blogging on the laptop.

It's not that he even realizes he's spoiled. He's as grateful for a $1 Hot Wheel as he is for a Wii. But, therein lies part of the problem. He really has no concept of the difference in those things. However, he's a sweet boy. He's thankful for what he has and what he gets. It leaves me though, wondering what his Dad and I can give him that stands out. The only answer I have is time together. Instead of gifts in the coming year, I'm going to focus on time and experiences together. Once the toys are long broken and forgotten, those memories will last a life time.

I, however, am still tired of all the fancy electronics and the quest to own the biggest, newest and best of them all. I'm appalled that in the tough economic times we are facing that people are still buying things they can't afford. I'm disgusted with the big corporations looking for government handouts. I'm even aggravated with myself for all the things I want. Deep down though, all I really want is a quiet simple life. I want to step out on my porch on a silent morning and watch the deer stroll by. I want to watch a blanket of snow cover the woods around me. The unfortunate part is that if I were to step out on my porch early in the morning I would not see deer. Cars driving too fast and sirens ALL THE FREAKING TIME, yes. Deer...no.

If I have to live in and near the city, this is as good a place as any. Still my heart longs for quiet and stillness of the country.

I long for time outside strolling in the snowy woods with my family. For my son to foster that love of the outdoors. For him to learn that unplugging is not a bad thing. I have no solution to all the stuff we're all getting this Christmas. I don't even know how to NOT want it. All I know is that I will be grateful for the gifts even as we are once again buried under all the stuff in our lives. When the day comes I'll be joyful and happy. I'll love watching my boys face when he opens his gifts. It will be a wonderful day. And I'll hold out hope that the coming year will bring more balance to our lives.