I realized something amazing while we were on vacation a month ago. At some point I changed and I missed it. I had spent so many years visualizing, wishing and praying that our family would grow. That we would look different. I always saw us as a partial family. One in progress. We had our "first" child. Then suddenly I was looking around at all the other families around us and I realized I could not imagine our family any different. I could not imagine more children and what that would be like.
I was *gasp* content. More than that, I was HAPPY with my family and the way we are. I can't actually imagine having another child any more. And at first I was a little shocked. I mean, a second child is something we longed for. We hoped and prayed and had treatments and pills and saw doctors and adoption agencies. We scraped and saved to pay for treatments that turned me into a raging lunatic. We were poked and prodded and sacrificed our dignity entirely. Then we gave up on the treatments (ran out of money) and decided to just let it go. But the longing was there.
At some point while I was busy just getting through this last year, things started to change for me. I talked about our "only" child. I began to think of us as a complete unit. A whole family. It's so easy when you are longing for that addition to your family to feel incomplete. But I don't. We're a little family but a family none the less. And I also realized that my brother and sister-in-law, without kids, is a family too. And that it hurts them as much as it used to hurt me to feel like I was "less" than everyone around me.
Although, more children would have been a blessing beyond measure, it no longer makes me sad. I don't feel incomplete. I don't feel like less of a mother. I'm not in some temporary place waiting for the next child to come along. I am whole. My family is whole.
And you know what? My family is wonderful! We are so connected. We work as one unit. There are so many amazing things about my little family. Things I intend to detail in the coming days.
The best part of all? I wouldn't change a thing.
And that's a miracle.
